Facing Depression

So yesterday I went to an actual family doctor for the first time in years.  I went to talk about a rash I have had on my right arm for years and wanting to finally get it taken care of now that I finally have insurance.  While there I also wanted to get a general health care check up as well, while looking at my new patient paper she noticed that I have been having trouble with grief as of late.  After talking for a few minutes about my father she wanted to know if there has been anything else that has been going on.  I explained to her about losing my best friend back in September to murder and my second mother at the same time.  Then to top that off while all this recent stuff has been going on we are moving, buying a home, and just had our fourth child born.  Needless to say the diagnosis wasn't too hard to figure out.

So now I am hoping that the meds I have been prescribed will help me control my aggravation.  On top of that they should allow me to regain some of my energy and motivation that I have been lacking since the loss of my father.

This battle has been harder then the battle to lose the weight it seems.  I'm now up two more pounds and really struggling to regain my motivation to start losing weight again.  Well see if things change soon, I hope they do.  I know what I have to do, but knowing and being able seem to still be far apart.  

Trying to get there

The past two mornings I have been up since 6 am.  One reason is to take Danny and allow Kate to sleep a little bit longer, until I go to work.  However, the second reason has been to go for a daily walk while pushing Danny in the stroller.  The second part has not been working out too well.  Here I am dressed, but with no motivation to put on my jacket, let alone walk out that door.

I don't know if it has to do with the fact that Danny is sleeping and I don't want to disturb him, or if it is the fact that I just don't have the motivation period.  I'm trying to find my desires again to work out, but I think I do understand where the lack of desire is coming from.  However, knowing where the problem stems from, and being able to overcome that problem are two different things.

The fact of the matter is, and honestly I'm not sure if this is truly the real reason, but it is the main thing I can think of.  The fact is I was working out when I got the call, the call I never wanted to hear.  While working out on weights is when my Mom called me, telling me that the CT scan of my dads brain was not good at all and that they don't expect him to live much longer.  I quickly dropped the weights, turned off the tv and ran upstairs to get Kate.  I then ran back downstairs and called the doctor myself to see if maybe my Mom was wrong.  Sadly, she was not wrong, the doctor informed me of what had happened and told me to come quick to say my goodbyes.

I know in the end that this may well be just an excuse, but it is very difficult to overcome that thought.  I pray soon that I'm able to overcome the road block.  Very soon, so this does not get out of hand.

Loss of motivation

First off I want to apologize for not my previous segment.  These past two months have been very hard on me.  My diet has taken a hit, although not as bad as it could be.  However, it seems like I have lost all motivation to my diet and workout routines.  No longer am I really watching what I'm eating, in fact a few days back I ate something that I previously would have passed up on.  I can't seem to control myself right now when eating foods I should avoid like pizza.  Sure that shouldn't be too bad once in a while, however I'm again in the funk of not knowing when to stop and eating past being full.

Losing my father May 21st has been devastating.  I'm extremely happy to have the gospel in my life and have religion so strongly in my life.  Honestly, if it was not for having those in my life I don't know how I would of handled losing two of the closest people in my life in just an 8 month span.  I have a feeling it would have involved drinking, sleeping, and just not doing much.

I'm hoping to come out of this funk soon, I keep trying to motivate myself to get back to working out and eating right.  I'm only at 192 so I have not taken too big of a hit.  I have to make sure however that this does not get out of control.  It is hard, it is real hard.  I'm thankful for my wife and kids who keep me active, but it has to turn around and I need to start eating for health again.  Easier said then done, we'll see what happens...

Tragic news=Tragic situation

This past September I lost my childhood friend in a sad unexpected way. Jason Mertz was one of a kind. His death left a hole in me my heart and emptiness in my soul.  This has lead to me not being in the right frame of mind to either exercise or write on my blog.

Through the struggles I have had a hard time keeping my weight at where its been.  I have not been caring what it was that I have to eat.  I have been eating a lot more candy.  I have also not been exercising or going for walks.  It has been a struggle to get my engines back running.  Luckily I have not gained much weight, only about 7 pounds.

Losing someone can make it really hard to function and return back to your everyday self, let alone be able to lose weight.  However I will be able to reflect back on memories and use them as motivation as I get myself back to losing weight and my goal of getting to that 100 pounds lost goal.

I remember this last time we hung out, we went down to Lincoln City for a weekend to enjoy the beach.  Jason was upset that he was no longer able to call me a fat head.  He was so impressed with the amount of weight I had loss that he decided he needed to search out a new nick name, I think he was going to just stick to big head haha.  

Jason suffered from Aspergers, so fathead was not a big deal to me growing up, that was just Jason being Jason.  Whenever he gave me a hard time I knew deep down how much respect and love he had for me.  He would tell my wife Kate multiple times just how proud he was of me, how much he respected me, and that meant so much to me.  Even though he could never really tell me, knowing how he really felt made me feel really good about myself.

I always admired how he would be there for my family and I.  Whenever we needed help, he would be there to try and fix the situation.  I feel bad I was not around him more than I was, but we always will have those feelings when the time becomes too late.

I know he is in Heaven right now and doing his all to get me to get back to losing weight again.  I have felt him near me many times and know that I need to keep going.  He was always impressed at how much weight I am losing and encouraged me to keep it up.  I know even beyond the veil he still is rooting for me.  I need to take this new motivation and keep on my path of weight loss.  I'm close to the 100 pound lost mark, and need to destroy that goal before working on a new one.